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The following letters are two instances where I've been challenged to share my heart and be vulnerable with my brothers and sisters here at Hillsong.  For a few days I feel like the Lord has been urging me to let others see this part of my hopes and struggles.  Another "stretching" experience, but I'm learning the value of sharing.

At Shine we were asked to look at ourselves in the mirror and write what we saw:

"When I look in the mirror I see my mother's child. I'd rather look in someone else's mirror; I see my acne scars and my round face. I see potential.
What I hear when I look in the mirror is my mother's voice telling me boys will never like me.  I hear voices from the past saying 'you'd be pretty if...'  I hear it.  I hear her.  I hear them.  But then I remember love and affection I've felt from God about the specific beauty He's given me.  And I think of a great love in my life.
I fight to see myself like Great Love has seen me.  Great Love allows me to see my full lips and long eye lashes, not my scars.  Love draws me out of the pit.  The voices are still there, but the power behind them is gone.  Sometimes it's a long process, but somedays I wake up feeling like Beyonce."




During teamwork tutorial, Andy asked us to close our eyes and imagine a goal that has come to fruition.  What does it look like? Where do our minds go? What goals are we working towards?

"My immediate thought and one of my deepest desires is to be a mom.  I saw myself in a house with 2 children chasing each other while I lean on a counter and take it all in.
It's a joyful moment.
It's a joyful life.
My kids are safe and loved; the best part is they feel safe and loved.
Although I don't see my husband I know I'm excited to share this moment with him when he gets home.  
I'm not alone in life.
My husband is a leader, a man of God who loves me and his family.  I finally have my own family and am able to express the love I've had for them for so long.  Christ is at the root and center and we are whole."

Andy then asked us to come up with a 2 or 3 word metaphor that describes this moment:
"it's finally raining."

Indeed.

Welp, friends, it finally happened: I am 25.
As far a my quarter-life "melt down", it could very much still be on its way, but for now I'm soaking it all in. I've never been one to think, "when I'm ____, I'd like to have/be doing ____."
In the spirit of honesty, there's only one thing I've done that with and it's to be married before my 28th birthday. {feel free to join me in my prayer}
But for the most part I suppose I've just wanted to be in the Lord's will, doing His work, whatever and apparently wherever that means! And here I am, in Australia training to work out the ministry for which God has set me apart.
To everyone who sent me a letter, package, video, snap, or just said "happy birthday", thank you very much.  It's nice to feel so loved and remembered.

Side (but completely related) note:

In core tutorial on Thursday, Yammy had me sit in "the hot seat",

which is when your classmates, aka Hillsong family, says a few words about or to you.

What an overwhelming experience!

Having life spoken into me by brothers and sisters whom I respect and love...

there are no words.

It will be too easy to sound conceited in this moment, but I trust you know my character so I'll proceed:

The things they were saying about and to me were...amazing!

Kindness upon kindness. 

I even got a spontaneous poem (that was so special!!)!!

The woman they were describing is the woman I have been and am praying to be.  

the woman Satan and other voices from the past tell me I'll never be.

But those voices matter not and have no power, in Jesus' name!

I am so favoured and honoured to be in this season with my core tute.

I pray that moment in "the hot seat" will stay with me for the rest of my life 

and be one of the memories I'm able to tap in to when Satan's voice seems to get louder.

If this past weekend is any indication of what the next year is going to look like...oh yeah babe. Come on, somebody!

Some birthday highlights:

Coffee with my core tutorial ladies.

Dinner at Courtney's!

Package from Sarah!

God and His mercies are innumerable. Thank you, Jesus, that I can't comprehend it.

In my quiet time (which I've found to be more fruitful when I'm expecting and looking for fruit...funny how that works), God has been revealing to me so much about His love. 
Most recently through the song "Draw Near" by Bethel.
There are a few personal things I'm wading through and the way I listened to the song on Tuesday struck me in a new way! The verses "draw near to me for I have drawn near to you...I've made a place for You here, so come on" are what did it.
Tuesday morning, I was on my knees in the living room worshipping and as the song played I kept thinking, "draw near, Lord, for I have drawn near to You. I've made a place for You, so come on."  After about the seventh time of listening to the song, I realized I had been hearing it wrong.  
Oh, so clearly the Lord reminded me, "Draw near to Me, for I have drawn near to you...I've made a place for you here, so come on."
NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!
It just rocked my world and totally reminded me that God's love isn't a reciprocal love.
It's an initiating love.
Thank you, Jesus.
He reminded me that because someone can't love me the way I love them doesn't mean I should stop giving love. What if Jesus had done that?! What if He said, "oh well these people don't like me so I'm not going to like them." 
The cross wouldn't have happened. 
But it did (thank You, Jesus)! 
So my excuses just aren't good enough.  
Christ has given me a prime example of what it means to by 100% in, even when my love is not being received or reciprocated.
So just to be clear, I'm 100% in 100% of the time.

If love is only given when it can be taken, is it really love?

I know what some of you quote addicts are thinking, "you only accept the love you think you deserve."
Whomp whomp.
Come on!
Do we only take a sip of water when we're beyond parched?! Maybe at first but as soon as that cool quenching H-2-beautiful-O hits your lips you go for it!  You take as much as you can get. I believe that's how we are called to love; until the thirst in others is quenched.
That's how Christ loves and we are made in His image (Gen 1:27), so let's be Christians who love initially.
and sincerely (Romans 12:9).

I hope this all makes sense. I'm quite tired.
Off to JJ (Juvenile Justice) tomorrow to do some Zumba with the girls! Can't wait!!!!!
Time to break down some walls.

Here's to asking the Spirit for breakthrough and believing it will happen!

Kanga Bangas

Hello friends.
It's been a while since we've met, but I'm glad we're here again :)
I'll do my best to keep it short and to the point.
Let's just jump right in, shall we?

College is in full swing.  Classes and tutorials (smaller versions of class) are brilliant and I'm learning so much! It's like trying to drink from a fire hydrant.  Before coming to Hillsong, I was completely aware of how much "basic" Bible knowledge I lack, but being here has definitely confirmed that.  Not necessarily in a negative way; yes, I have a lot of catching up to do, but where better to learn? Some of the most brilliant minds are leading and teaching me.  The group of people from whom I get to learn are truly amazing...or as we say here Down Under, "they're legends."
The staff at Hillsong amaze me with their constant awe of God and everything that has to do with Him and/or His Kingdom.  So often at schools it's easy to see that teachers have become bored with their subject of expertise.  Not the case with my teachers.  For example, one teacher has been doing the same subject for 13 years, but still manages to still exude a true amazement and genuine gratitude for the material.  It's passion like that which keeps my attention and draws me in to learn more.  My prayer is that I, as well as anyone who hears God's Word, would be filled with such admiration for our King that it would inspire and intrigue others.

As much as I enjoy all my classes, I kind of have a favorite...shame on me, I know, but I can't help it.  World religions is my favorite class.  Ben is the instructor and he has the best heart for it: so kind, understanding, and non-judgemental.  His mere demeanor teaches me every day in class to love people from all religions and not be close minded.
When learning about Islam, there's a belief that Muhammad couldn't read or write and that's why it's such a miracle that he wrote the Qur'an. My first response was, "that's stupid!", but then I realized that I believe a man lived in the belly of a fish, and that every kind of animal cohabited on a boat. I believe those things happen, because I trust the Bible. Just like Muslims trust the Qur'an. I get the idea. We can connect on that level...I'm being stretched to really see things from another perspective.

My core tutorial group is legendary! Point. Blank. Period.
It's the smaller group of 16 people I get to do college with on a more personal level and I'm just honestly so blessed to be with them.  Three things we always have: food, fun, and a dance-off.

General Life
My 25th birthday is vastly approaching.  Although I didn't have any "by the time I'm 25" thoughts,  I think where I am (physically and spiritually) is a pretty good place to be.  Who knows when I'll get my quarter-of-a-century freakout, but I don't expect it to be too crazy.

The first day of Spring finally arrived! Thank you Jesus!
I felt short changed on summer this year, but as the weather gets warmer and my skin gets darker, the more I settle in and relax :) I was feeling homesick the past week or so, but as soon as I felt the sand in between my toes and could heart the waves I immediately felt at home.  And what a beach!! Bondi (Bond-eye), the most famous beach in Oz, is only a 30min bus ride from my flat. Awesome...until the tourist arrive and then apparently it gets so packed you can't even see the sand.  So I'm glad I went while it was open.

shameless selfie.

Fun stories: A lot of the Aussie's I've met haven't had just a spoonful of peanut butter.
I know. I know.
It's beyond shocking.
But The Lord sent His people just in time ;)
One by one, Australia is finding a new obsession.

I at kangaroo in the form of a hot dog aka "Kanga Bangas".  They smell and look terrible, but they taste great!

Things are good. I'm learning and stretching so much! I say that pretty much every post, but I'll keep saying it.  God is doing a work in my spirit and I just can't contain it! What a beautiful Creator, Father, and Designer we have.

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