For months I
didn't know what was wrong. I could neither pinpoint the problem nor find the
right words to articulate the feeling. The frustration of not knowing what was
wrong was equal only to that of not knowing what to do about it. The best word
I had to describe it was "dead." Spiritually dead. But that still
wasn't right. Even if I couldn't name what I was feeling...or not feeling seems
more accurate...I knew I wanted it to be over.
This
indescribable feeling lasted for weeks and although it was a "spirit
problem" it was beginning to manifest physically. Exhaustion, despondence,
sadness, a total lack of joy. I am a naturally joyful and excitable person and
to have no zeal for anything was completely foreign. I love my job, my church,
my friends, my home, my life! All the things are so good. I am so blessed. And
none of that had changed! Even my pursuit of Jesus hadn't changed. Still
leading Bible studies, still praying, still worshipping.
It just didn't
make sense. Why this internal change when nothing external had changed?!
A week ago a
friend recommended a podcast called "Fight hustle. End hurry."
Maybe five
minutes in the episode and one of the co-hosts said, "you must
ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." For the first time in
months I felt a leap in my spirit. THAT WAS IT!!!
Hurry and hustle had
become my way of life and it had so drained me. I'm not sure what was more
life-giving in that moment: having words to describe what I had been feeling or
the actual jolt of excitement that had eluded me for some time.
If you've ever
been ill and not known why, struggling to explain and be understood, you can
empathize.
If you've ever
been through that and then been accurately diagnosed, you can celebrate with me.
My appetite to
understand was insatiable! Every word John Mark Comer and Jefferson Bethke said
in the podcast was a balm to my weary soul.
"Jesus
wasn't in a hurry."
"We spend so
much time studying the words of Jesus. We don't spend time
studying the pace of Jesus."
Even now as I
type I can feel my veins pulsing with elation.
After my fourth
listen (in three days!), I ordered Comer's book "The Ruthless Elimination
of Hurry." Y'all. Just between us (and anyone else you want to
tell): I believe the ruthless elimination of hurry from my life is
going to be a pivotal moment in my life. As Comer tells of his life
pre-elimination (my phrasing), I see myself in almost every description.
"…I feel like a ghost. Half alive, half dead.
More numb than anything else; flat, one dimensional...empty.
It's like my soul is hollow." (p.2)
That statement
made me close the book and just sit in my bed.
Completely
arrested.
There's more to
come. I know it.
There's more to
the battle to eliminate hurry than a once-off decision. The battle will be
waged with daily decisions to not do, not see, not attend.
I will miss out
on things. ((insert gasp here))
The battlefield
will likely prove to be my planner. FOMO (fear of missing out), the fierce
warrior of the enemy. However, what I've found is that packing my
schedule with experiences has left me no time to actually experience anything.
Always one foot out of the conversation. One event ahead of the present moment.
Constantly hurried. And that’s not the life I want to live. That way of life
has left me feeling dead. And “hurried” is not the person I want to be.
Consider this an
invitation to join the journey.
