Not quite {the end}.

School has been out for a week now.
I wanted to post the day it was over in order to best capture my raw thoughts and feelings, but wrapping up a year can be exhausting, mentally and physically.
There was lots of packing, cleaning, double checking, chasing administrators, check lists, and various other seemingly unimportant things to get done.

Tragically and not-so-tragically, the German program was sacrificed under the sharp guillotine of budget cuts. Tragically because I hate to see German not be an option for students.  The argument that German is not a "necessary" language and that it takes a back seat to Spanish is no longer accurate or relevant.  German is more common on the internet than Spanish, and it is a dominating economic power in the world. It just seems like everyone is speaking Spanish; if you really listen, you can hear them speaking German...
And tragically for the students who just needed one more year.
My heart breaks for the students in general.

Not-so-tragically because I am free. Free to leave Farmville.
I am free to leave Farmville.
leave Farmville.
What does that mean?!
After 6 years my mailing address will not include Farmville, VA? Is it really possible?!
Is it really happening?
I am still trying to process that and then find "the next step".
There's a school in Hampton that needs a German teacher and the interview I had went really well.  In fact, I got a call yesterday asking for me to come in for an interview with the Assistant Principal. The school system in Hampton seems to be very foreign language driven which makes me excited to possibly work there.
But I want to travel...

I just feel like I need to get out of the country. Not trying to escape anything, but I haven't done a major trip in a long long time. 4 years! It's killing me. I'm restless.
So I've been looking at nannying/au pair jobs abroad. I love kids and it would be a great way to get over there (wherever "there" is) and not have to worry about lodging and things like that.  I'm just torn as to which way I'm supposed to go.
I've been seeking God's will so single-mindedly that I've completely ignored seeking Him.
Probably cause for the lack of clarity about what to do.
Here I am again in this spot of "I can do anything, so what do I do?"
a bittersweet blessing.

Not Logical.

I'm just furious.
And I try not to write when such is the case, but I just can't get it out of my head how incredibly unfair it is...
MY job is on the budget cut list. Yes. Fine. I get it; the program isn't widely popular and short-term minds don't see the benefit of teaching students German.
But I teach every day and I do my best.  I try and keep it fun, interesting, and show German's true value.  I think I do a good job, especially as this year's been such a learning experience.
However, what infuriates me is that my job is in danger when I just watched a PHYSICAL EDUCATION teacher paint her nails during class.
I repeat: the gym teacher painted her nails during class.
How is that acceptable?
Just sitting there and watching your class is one thing, but leaving to paint your nails...absurd.
It doesn't seem fair.
It's not fair.

A little Grimm and a little Chan.

It is May and there are 12.5 school days remaining.
Oh, sweet victory!
I cannot believe I have almost made it through my first year of teaching.
It's unglaublich! (unbelievable)
SOL time has arrived and the students are mentally fried, which is a perfect time to review material in preparation for the final exam, as well as introduce them to German literary culture, an easier curriculum.
What does that look like? Well, it looks a little Grimm...
The Grimm Brothers!!!

We are comparing the American/Disney and Grimm versions of some of the most well known fairy tales (i.e. Snow White, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel).  Most people have no idea how different the two versions are and that the original endings are not quite as "happily ever after" as we believe.  I feel like it was a good idea to save this unit for the end when students are tired and have already mentally checked out.  The surprising brutality of the Brothers' writings tends to capture audiences, specifically those who are so used to the Disney resolution. Little do they know, there's a dark side that has been swept under the magic carpets...

Switching gears.

Thursday turned out to be surprisingly wonderful.
Something (which I believe to be the Spirit) woke me up at 3:53am. I tried to go back to bed, but fourteen minutes later I found myself dressed and heading to the gym.
After sweatin' it up to a mixture of One Direction and 'NSYNC Pandora stations, I went back to the apartment listened to a sermon given by Francis Chan, "The Biggest Lie In Your Life". 
Of course, it was exactly what I needed in this time of my life.
I've just been slipping away from God and what I mean by that is that I haven't been making Him a priority in my life. Francis was totally confessing the same sin.

My personal time with God is something I have let fall to the waist side. I wake up and read a passage, but I don't soak it in. Sleep is more important to me than knowing God more; at least that's how it would appear.
The way Francis phrased it was, "What is the biggest lie in your life?" And I realized that I use "I'm just so busy" as the number one LIE in my life.  Pastor Steven Furtick hit it home with "what your filling your time with is your heart's ambition."
Oh, gosh. Welp, there it is.
I'm filling my time with softball, friends, Young Life, teaching, school, figuring out the future, and a few other things. And those are all good things, but they aren't The Good thing.  His Word says in Ephesians, 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works..."

So even though I am serving, my faith is what takes precedent; this hierarchy has been lost in the busyness of my life.

Jesus is a priority.
Jesus is my priority.
Jesus is THE priority.

Set me in the right spirit, Lord. 

I know I have a desire for you and to do Your will. 

Become THE priority in my life. 

Let everything else pale in comparison and may I be reminded of that shortcoming everyday. 

Be elevated in my life. 

Be my life.

Anticipation.

I can feel it.
Beyond my bones.
I can feel it in my spirit; the Friday before Spring Break is finally upon us!
Sarah and I will be heading to New York City in 11 hours.
I have not a thing packed and laundry to do.
Not only am I packing for New York, but also for the week of Break, and to move out of my apartment. A lot of packing.
But nothing's going to bring me down. I'm SOOOOOOO excited!
I just know things are going to be a bunch of fun. And we're going to go to the Hillsong church on Easter; what a special treat!


Things at school are starting to get crazy. The kids are restless to say the least and they're fighting more often. The teachers have told me that after SB things go downhill quickly. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive about what the weeks after SB may hold, but from what I've seen this week...oh, golly.
Softball practice yesterday was a lot of fun. We were able to get on the real field and it was so great for the girls.  Since a lot of them don't have sport experience, we were able to run plays and talk about why we make the plays we make.  Getting the opportunity to actually discuss why we do things was super educational and will help improve our playing. Which of course would be great!
It's not even about winning, it's just about getting better and having fun. Sometimes they have too much fun and don't learn anything, which means losing games at a larger margin than before.  I've just got to keep positive, because I know they pick up on that.  They're picking up on the some of my sayings (oh-em-gee, etc), so I know they're definitely taking on my outlook.
A precious gift from the Lord.

Achoo the Mouse

Can I just not hear it, because I don't want it?
Am I blind to Your way, because I want my own so badly?
I know in my heart that You, LORD, You are my first and deepest desire.
I know that.
With confidence.


You chose me while I was nothing.
Even before I was nothing if that's possible.
{Jeremiah 1:4}
There's nothing I can do, positive or negative, to make you think I'm not right for the part you have for me.
But I'm just not sure I'm seeing it.
Whatever it is.
Show me.


Is this my "Job moment"? or is this the time for me to move?
Reveal Your will to me.
I so desperately long for it.

Sheep Police

February is over. The leap season has come and gone.
And quickly.
Some might say "with a leap"; see what I did there...
Quite a few things have transpired and lessons have been learned.
But there's one that sticks out the most:

About a month ago at a hockey game I met a boy. I'll change his name to Will.
Will startred a conversation with me at the beginning of the second period and it went really well; he was funny, interesting, attractive, and non-sketchy. The game ended.
He asked me what I was doing afterwards.
I said I was going home.
He asked for my number.
I said no.
Will sat back down and said, "How about I give you my number and you can let me know when you're in town? This way, the ball is in your court." I agreed and texted him a few days later.
Will is in the military and was out of town for the next 3 weeks so we agreed that Feb 24 would work for both of us.
Over the next three weeks, Will would text me when he could and we decided that each of us a bringing a friend to "the date" would be a good idea since we hadn't seen each other in so long. So after three weeks of waiting, the night finally came around.  Will, being so creative (please note the sarcasm), decided that bar hopping would be a fun time, even after I informed him that I don't drink.
Should have been my first hint that this wasn't going to be great.
So we agreed on 8:30pm. That's when my friend and I got to the bar and let Will know we were there. He said they were walking out the door.
Now, this specific bar was chosen due to its convenient location to Will and his friend. They lived 2 blocks away so it wouldn't take long to get there.
An hour later...
I texted Will, "We're leaving."
His response, "Sorry, my friend decided he didn't want to go out. Sorry. Text me lata."
SERIOUSLY?!
I had been stood up.
I had been stood up.
I tried calling him twice so he could explain himself or at least verbally apologize, but he just ignored the calls and said "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

So my emotions just went crazy; not like "I'm going to stalk you and slash your tires" crazy. But more like "I have a million questions" crazy.
Why didn't you show up? Did you come in, see me and walk back out? Why did you wait an hour to tell me anything? If I hadn't texted you, how long would have let me wait? Did I say something? do something? What was it about me that made you decide that I wasn't worth showing up? What changed? and When?
Just a million questions.
And then I began to see how it was affecting my self esteem. It took me two days to cry and get over it. I realized that for a few moments, I put my worth in what Will thought of me. I gave him that power over me. I forgot that whether or not he thought I was beautiful didn't matter, because God made me. Which makes me beautiful.
Period.

People could tell me 'til they're blue in the face that it is Will's loss (which it is), and that's he's stupid (which he is) and that he has no idea what he's missed (which he doesn't).
But until I remembered that God made me and loves me no matter what Will or any man thinks, they were just words.
My value is not determined by any man. No earthly thing. No bad date.
My value is in the Lord.
Lesson learned.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:17b-19

Gavin's words.

"I wanna be free.
Wind in my hair.
Salt on my skin.
Sun in the air.
I have to feel love holding on me."


I do. I just want to sit back and enjoy the view...sometimes.
Actively participating can be more fun, but much more mentally activating.


I've checked a box on the employment intent form. And I've sealed the envelope.
But it is still sitting in my desk.
Why can't I just send it in?
I know I want to be home. the sevenfiveseven.
By the beach where salt on my skin and wind in my hair isn't a planned event.
I've just been in Farmville too long. Being in one place (that isn't home) for too long is "settling". As a single woman, "settling" can be unsettling.  
{As contradictory as that is.}
And that's OK. I don't have to be settled.
Much the antithesis of all my thoughts as I peruse Pinterest.
Oh, that site....


But things are going well. School is going, which is great!
I've started to figure out how to use the apps on the iPads for review and games.
I can do this.
The Lord is my joy.


And I've recently developed an obsession with 2 things: Gavin DeGraw and Adele's version of "I Can't Make You Love Me"