Rockin' Around.

Tis the season for Christmas music (as if there isn't a time for that), frantic shopping, terrible gift wrapping, tacky sweaters, and a whole holiday heap of parties.

I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!

Completely unimportant (but fun) things:

• just reserved the hotel for the One Direction concert in June
• after 5 years, I will be eating my first meat product on January 3rd: a delicious Chik-fil-A sandwich
• Passion 2013 starts soon
• Australia...July 12. Still in "excited" mode.

I just can't get enough Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, *NSYNC, Frankie, Michael Buble, etc, etc.  The weather has been rather warm, but it seems the wind is about to shift.

Things have gotten better with Sissy; I think she wanted to feel heard.  

Through much discord in current life I'm discovering that I'm not actually who I want to be.

Heavy, right?

Not something I would have expected to come up, but here it is...

My high school girlfriends and I are currently wading through the very rough current of built-up frustration and dishonesty: ne'er a good combination.

Honestly, I just feel attacked and betrayed. It's not that people are saying negative and hurtful things about me. It's that friends are saying hurtful and negative things behind my back.  I suppose a little bit of it is that there are bad things to say about me when I try to be kind, honest, genuine, fair, and Christ-like.  There's just a little bit more of the world in me than I would have thought or care to have. And I don't want that.

What do I want?

I want people to look at me and see the fruit of the Spirit. 

To be Christ-like in every moment. 

Speak peace, spread joy, show kindness, live in love, and to be genuine.

I start meeting with a woman next year :) to work on some underlying issues. And my small group is starting a book called "The Cure" by John Lynch which I've heard great things about.

So here's hoping 2013 is a year of progress towards the woman God created me to be and the life he has me to life.

It is official.

I am moving to Australia in July.
sent in my deposit last week;
Hillsong Leadership College in Sydeny, here I come!

Decision 2012

Much more than just politics, we're talking about the future.

I voted! 

It felt very rewarding to exercise my American right to vote.
The women of the 1920s would feel justified in knowing their struggle has not been dismissed.
I was surprised by how many people simply decided to not vote. The most prominent argument was said person did not want to "waste" a vote due to his/her own lack of information.
ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?
Consider your vote wasted. And shame on you for resigning to ignorance on issues that will affect you, and in a big way!
But alas, Obama was re-elected and I am much more distraught about it this round than the last.  Jesus is King. Period.
Republican majority. Democratic majority. It doesn't matter.
Jesus is King. Now and forever.

Another decision of 2012: Hillsong.
I'm going to continue pursuing this path.
When I was talking with the girls last night about my lack luster pursuit, the Spirit opened my eyes to see that I was fearful of this being taken away.  Everything else I've pursued (nannying in Europe, teaching in Germany, YL abroad, etc) has been stopped short, wayyyyyyy short of completion.  I know that means it was God's will. And that's what I want in my life.
But I guess I just feel like this awesome opportunity is so awesome and I'm so excited about it that it will be taken away from me and I'll be stuck in Suffolk even longer.
Which is weird that I even think like that;
I know and trust in God's goodness.
I know He loves me and only wants the best for me.
I know He only has good for me.
And yet I think he'll take awesome things away from me?!
That doesn't line up at all.
So in faith that He will either keep Hillsong as a desire in my heart and take me to Australia, or change my desire and stop this.
Either way, I do not doubt His love for me.

Best subject line ever.

That would be the e-mail I received today.
HOW EXCITING!!!! and yet, I'm slightly anxious.
It's just surreal that I am one step closer to moving very, very far away.
Exciting and surreal.

So, now I just keep praying.


And saving money :)

Fraudulent Charges.

Yesterday, I officially applied to Hillsong Leadership College.
Officially.
And then about 2 hours later BB&T called me about "possible fraudulent charges".  
I appreciate your awareness, BB&T. Thanks.

So let the discouragement begin...at least that's what it feels like.  
I know it's going to be a financial burden. It's college; it's expensive. But praise the Lord that I have my half of tuition in savings.  Estimated living costs in Australia are about $350 (AUD) per week.
PER WEEK?!
Yup.
I don't even make that in 2 weeks at Starbucks!
But I trust that this is what the Lord has put on my heart, so I've just got to be better with my money. Which means no shopping for myself for a while, getting crafty for Christmas, trying to drive less, and pick up some extra jobs. And maybe I can find some scholarships or sponsorship...with boldness.
If this is where He wants me, He'll provide.
I know that.
I trust that with confidence.
So we'll wait and see what happens next.

Last night was The Unhappy Hour at the Edgar Allen Poe museum in Richmond.

Poe Museum

Crystal and I went together. I just love her!
She's so much fun and such a gift to me :)

The weather was perfect, the parking was crazy, and the band was terrible. 
But we still had a great time! 
Jamie read "The Masque of the Red Death" and honestly it was boring and poorly read.  So after complaining to a few of the museum workers, Jamie performed "The Tell Tale Heart", like he did last year which was the main lure for returning this year, and it was wonderful! He does such a good job at...being creepy. Which sounds awful, but that's what makes the performance so worth while!
It was just really great to get out of the area. I love the 757, but sometimes it can feel so small.
I'm too young to have that "settled" feeling; especially without being settled!

Jesus,
I know You're doing great things; that's what You're about. What a romantic characteristic :)  There's peace in my spirit knowing you're in control, but these worldly concerns are robbing me of joy. The thief is coming to destroy (John 10:10). I refuse to be a victim.
Continue to fuel this journey. Put your Spirit of peace in knowing whether or not to keep pursing Hillsong.
Provide financially from sources unexpected. And if I need boldness to ask for help, infuse me with that.
I trust You, Jesus.
I trust You.
I trust You.
Your will be done.

She don't got a lot to say.

The next week is fixin' to be pretty brilliant.
Tonight is our Halloween Party and I'm super excited! I'm mentally preparing myself to start getting things ready.

To where I think the Lord is leading me: Australia.
Weird, right?
Sarah and I put Australia on the "do not visit" list due to rumors of vicious kangaroos and the impending death known as sharks. But over the past few months I've been working on knowing God' Word better.
I know I love Jesus more than anything, but I'm not confident in my knowledge of the Bible. And I want to be!
If I know nothing else, I know I want more of Him.
So I've been researching Bible colleges, locally and not-so-locally. Which is how I got to Australia: Hillsong International Leadership College.  Their values and beliefs align with what I believe, the church is similar in size to Shores which is something I was hoping to find. So after a few emails with the admissions people, prayer, and some financial research, I've decided to keep pursing this possibility.  I'm still praying through the whole thing, but whilst working on my application.

It's just been so long since I've really made a new friend: someone who doesn't know anyone in my family, is from a different place, and is over the age of 20. That's what I love! I love meeting new people. I love discovering things about them. I love making memories and I love adventure. It's not always easy and it definitely gets lonely, but in those moments I discover new things about my heart.  One of the moments when I was closest with God was the first month in Austria.

The only person I could consistently run to and without judgement was, and very much still is, Jesus.  It was great. There's no reason I can't have that kind of proximity in everyday life, but something about being forced out of comfortable areas really reminds me of how "made to be with Him" I am.
So we'll see where this goes.

Ketchup and Cake Plops

It has been quite a while since I last posted; not for lack of activity, but for lack of remembering to post. Simple, huh?

Well, let's go ahead and play a little catch up:

• a school district offered me a job for this coming year, but I declined. It just didn't feel right. The Holy Spirit just wasn't giving me a peace about working in that particular school, which leads me to the next point.
• i believe the Lord is calling me to move abroad.  I'm currently feeling London. The details are still a little fuzzy as I'm still praying through it.  However, I do think He doesn't want me to go until January. So who knows, 2013 might be the year of Europe!
• i am a Barista at Starbucks.  I've only worked the past 2 weeks, but I really enjoy it.  The pressure is ON constantly. People know what they want and they don't want you to mess it up. So I'm trying my best to learn at the fastest rate possible. People seem to be receiving the joy I'm emitting, so that's helpful. I might not be quick, but I'm "nice and peppy".
• i am participating in a wiffle ball league.  We are {unofficially} team "Y.A.MS" aka Young Adult Ministries. Not the best name, but definitely better than being labeled "the singles". Cathi and Sarah are on the team with me and we're having just a blast! We lost 9-17 to the defending league champs, but like Sarah said at practice, "If there's fun to be had, we're going to be having all of it!" :) she's so cute.
• the girls and I have been able to spend a lot of time together. I'm really enjoying that. Period.
• Maggie and I are hosted a baby shower for Baby Beckett. I attempted to make cake pops, but they turned out more like cake plops.  Tasty, but ugly.
• i've gained weight. not excited about that at all.
• i am registered for one class at ODU to maybe get something happening with this teaching degree.

That's really it.

Not much.

Just keeping busy, but not distracted; I'm grateful to have learned the difference.

three-ohhhhhhhh.

I've recently been reading Lauren Weisberger books (the woman who wrote Devil Wears Prada) and it seems to have a few reoccurring themes: young professional women living in New York, unexpected relationship, a major change: job, environment, or life goal, and they all seem to be close to 30 years old.  I have really enjoyed the stories I've read (Chasing Harry Winston and Everyone Worth Knowing), but I can't help think that I need to be afraid of turning the big three-oh.
Of course that's 6.5 years away, but it's going to happen.
Another theme in Weisberger's books is promiscuity, which is fun to read about and if I let myself get "too involved", it can be tempting.
Honestly.
I've always believed in waiting for marriage, at least since I was old enough to really believe in anything.  Not simply because it's what God expects of me, but because my future husband deserves that.
When I get lost in the world of characters just randomly "hooking up" with guys they meet it is easy to think, "that does sound like fun."  Except for the massive hangovers that typically accompany the girls after a night of "hooking up", the crazy spontaneity sounds appealing.  And then I remember; I don't really want that.  Because the Lord loves me, I know I'm worth more than just one crazy night with some random guy.
I'm worth the commitment.
I'm worth exclusivity.
I'm worth true love.
Everyone deserves that.
I don't know, I'm just really excited to see my husband's face when I tell him with every ounce of honesty and affection that I have my whole heart to give him. I haven't wasted it on some cute boy at bar, or on a drunk decision. That'll be a good moment.

Grandpa's cooking :)

Time well spent.

Anyway, Sissy and I just got back from a really great trip to Jersey to spend some time with the grandparents.  It was great.

Really great.

Just getting away, no commitments, no packed house of family members, no phone calls, and a little bit of NYC.

Brilliant.

Not quite {the end}.

School has been out for a week now.
I wanted to post the day it was over in order to best capture my raw thoughts and feelings, but wrapping up a year can be exhausting, mentally and physically.
There was lots of packing, cleaning, double checking, chasing administrators, check lists, and various other seemingly unimportant things to get done.

Tragically and not-so-tragically, the German program was sacrificed under the sharp guillotine of budget cuts. Tragically because I hate to see German not be an option for students.  The argument that German is not a "necessary" language and that it takes a back seat to Spanish is no longer accurate or relevant.  German is more common on the internet than Spanish, and it is a dominating economic power in the world. It just seems like everyone is speaking Spanish; if you really listen, you can hear them speaking German...
And tragically for the students who just needed one more year.
My heart breaks for the students in general.

Not-so-tragically because I am free. Free to leave Farmville.
I am free to leave Farmville.
leave Farmville.
What does that mean?!
After 6 years my mailing address will not include Farmville, VA? Is it really possible?!
Is it really happening?
I am still trying to process that and then find "the next step".
There's a school in Hampton that needs a German teacher and the interview I had went really well.  In fact, I got a call yesterday asking for me to come in for an interview with the Assistant Principal. The school system in Hampton seems to be very foreign language driven which makes me excited to possibly work there.
But I want to travel...

I just feel like I need to get out of the country. Not trying to escape anything, but I haven't done a major trip in a long long time. 4 years! It's killing me. I'm restless.
So I've been looking at nannying/au pair jobs abroad. I love kids and it would be a great way to get over there (wherever "there" is) and not have to worry about lodging and things like that.  I'm just torn as to which way I'm supposed to go.
I've been seeking God's will so single-mindedly that I've completely ignored seeking Him.
Probably cause for the lack of clarity about what to do.
Here I am again in this spot of "I can do anything, so what do I do?"
a bittersweet blessing.

Not Logical.

I'm just furious.
And I try not to write when such is the case, but I just can't get it out of my head how incredibly unfair it is...
MY job is on the budget cut list. Yes. Fine. I get it; the program isn't widely popular and short-term minds don't see the benefit of teaching students German.
But I teach every day and I do my best.  I try and keep it fun, interesting, and show German's true value.  I think I do a good job, especially as this year's been such a learning experience.
However, what infuriates me is that my job is in danger when I just watched a PHYSICAL EDUCATION teacher paint her nails during class.
I repeat: the gym teacher painted her nails during class.
How is that acceptable?
Just sitting there and watching your class is one thing, but leaving to paint your nails...absurd.
It doesn't seem fair.
It's not fair.

A little Grimm and a little Chan.

It is May and there are 12.5 school days remaining.
Oh, sweet victory!
I cannot believe I have almost made it through my first year of teaching.
It's unglaublich! (unbelievable)
SOL time has arrived and the students are mentally fried, which is a perfect time to review material in preparation for the final exam, as well as introduce them to German literary culture, an easier curriculum.
What does that look like? Well, it looks a little Grimm...
The Grimm Brothers!!!

We are comparing the American/Disney and Grimm versions of some of the most well known fairy tales (i.e. Snow White, Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel).  Most people have no idea how different the two versions are and that the original endings are not quite as "happily ever after" as we believe.  I feel like it was a good idea to save this unit for the end when students are tired and have already mentally checked out.  The surprising brutality of the Brothers' writings tends to capture audiences, specifically those who are so used to the Disney resolution. Little do they know, there's a dark side that has been swept under the magic carpets...

Switching gears.

Thursday turned out to be surprisingly wonderful.
Something (which I believe to be the Spirit) woke me up at 3:53am. I tried to go back to bed, but fourteen minutes later I found myself dressed and heading to the gym.
After sweatin' it up to a mixture of One Direction and 'NSYNC Pandora stations, I went back to the apartment listened to a sermon given by Francis Chan, "The Biggest Lie In Your Life". 
Of course, it was exactly what I needed in this time of my life.
I've just been slipping away from God and what I mean by that is that I haven't been making Him a priority in my life. Francis was totally confessing the same sin.

My personal time with God is something I have let fall to the waist side. I wake up and read a passage, but I don't soak it in. Sleep is more important to me than knowing God more; at least that's how it would appear.
The way Francis phrased it was, "What is the biggest lie in your life?" And I realized that I use "I'm just so busy" as the number one LIE in my life.  Pastor Steven Furtick hit it home with "what your filling your time with is your heart's ambition."
Oh, gosh. Welp, there it is.
I'm filling my time with softball, friends, Young Life, teaching, school, figuring out the future, and a few other things. And those are all good things, but they aren't The Good thing.  His Word says in Ephesians, 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works..."

So even though I am serving, my faith is what takes precedent; this hierarchy has been lost in the busyness of my life.

Jesus is a priority.
Jesus is my priority.
Jesus is THE priority.

Set me in the right spirit, Lord. 

I know I have a desire for you and to do Your will. 

Become THE priority in my life. 

Let everything else pale in comparison and may I be reminded of that shortcoming everyday. 

Be elevated in my life. 

Be my life.

Anticipation.

I can feel it.
Beyond my bones.
I can feel it in my spirit; the Friday before Spring Break is finally upon us!
Sarah and I will be heading to New York City in 11 hours.
I have not a thing packed and laundry to do.
Not only am I packing for New York, but also for the week of Break, and to move out of my apartment. A lot of packing.
But nothing's going to bring me down. I'm SOOOOOOO excited!
I just know things are going to be a bunch of fun. And we're going to go to the Hillsong church on Easter; what a special treat!


Things at school are starting to get crazy. The kids are restless to say the least and they're fighting more often. The teachers have told me that after SB things go downhill quickly. I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive about what the weeks after SB may hold, but from what I've seen this week...oh, golly.
Softball practice yesterday was a lot of fun. We were able to get on the real field and it was so great for the girls.  Since a lot of them don't have sport experience, we were able to run plays and talk about why we make the plays we make.  Getting the opportunity to actually discuss why we do things was super educational and will help improve our playing. Which of course would be great!
It's not even about winning, it's just about getting better and having fun. Sometimes they have too much fun and don't learn anything, which means losing games at a larger margin than before.  I've just got to keep positive, because I know they pick up on that.  They're picking up on the some of my sayings (oh-em-gee, etc), so I know they're definitely taking on my outlook.
A precious gift from the Lord.

Achoo the Mouse

Can I just not hear it, because I don't want it?
Am I blind to Your way, because I want my own so badly?
I know in my heart that You, LORD, You are my first and deepest desire.
I know that.
With confidence.


You chose me while I was nothing.
Even before I was nothing if that's possible.
{Jeremiah 1:4}
There's nothing I can do, positive or negative, to make you think I'm not right for the part you have for me.
But I'm just not sure I'm seeing it.
Whatever it is.
Show me.


Is this my "Job moment"? or is this the time for me to move?
Reveal Your will to me.
I so desperately long for it.

Sheep Police

February is over. The leap season has come and gone.
And quickly.
Some might say "with a leap"; see what I did there...
Quite a few things have transpired and lessons have been learned.
But there's one that sticks out the most:

About a month ago at a hockey game I met a boy. I'll change his name to Will.
Will startred a conversation with me at the beginning of the second period and it went really well; he was funny, interesting, attractive, and non-sketchy. The game ended.
He asked me what I was doing afterwards.
I said I was going home.
He asked for my number.
I said no.
Will sat back down and said, "How about I give you my number and you can let me know when you're in town? This way, the ball is in your court." I agreed and texted him a few days later.
Will is in the military and was out of town for the next 3 weeks so we agreed that Feb 24 would work for both of us.
Over the next three weeks, Will would text me when he could and we decided that each of us a bringing a friend to "the date" would be a good idea since we hadn't seen each other in so long. So after three weeks of waiting, the night finally came around.  Will, being so creative (please note the sarcasm), decided that bar hopping would be a fun time, even after I informed him that I don't drink.
Should have been my first hint that this wasn't going to be great.
So we agreed on 8:30pm. That's when my friend and I got to the bar and let Will know we were there. He said they were walking out the door.
Now, this specific bar was chosen due to its convenient location to Will and his friend. They lived 2 blocks away so it wouldn't take long to get there.
An hour later...
I texted Will, "We're leaving."
His response, "Sorry, my friend decided he didn't want to go out. Sorry. Text me lata."
SERIOUSLY?!
I had been stood up.
I had been stood up.
I tried calling him twice so he could explain himself or at least verbally apologize, but he just ignored the calls and said "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

So my emotions just went crazy; not like "I'm going to stalk you and slash your tires" crazy. But more like "I have a million questions" crazy.
Why didn't you show up? Did you come in, see me and walk back out? Why did you wait an hour to tell me anything? If I hadn't texted you, how long would have let me wait? Did I say something? do something? What was it about me that made you decide that I wasn't worth showing up? What changed? and When?
Just a million questions.
And then I began to see how it was affecting my self esteem. It took me two days to cry and get over it. I realized that for a few moments, I put my worth in what Will thought of me. I gave him that power over me. I forgot that whether or not he thought I was beautiful didn't matter, because God made me. Which makes me beautiful.
Period.

People could tell me 'til they're blue in the face that it is Will's loss (which it is), and that's he's stupid (which he is) and that he has no idea what he's missed (which he doesn't).
But until I remembered that God made me and loves me no matter what Will or any man thinks, they were just words.
My value is not determined by any man. No earthly thing. No bad date.
My value is in the Lord.
Lesson learned.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:17b-19

Gavin's words.

"I wanna be free.
Wind in my hair.
Salt on my skin.
Sun in the air.
I have to feel love holding on me."


I do. I just want to sit back and enjoy the view...sometimes.
Actively participating can be more fun, but much more mentally activating.


I've checked a box on the employment intent form. And I've sealed the envelope.
But it is still sitting in my desk.
Why can't I just send it in?
I know I want to be home. the sevenfiveseven.
By the beach where salt on my skin and wind in my hair isn't a planned event.
I've just been in Farmville too long. Being in one place (that isn't home) for too long is "settling". As a single woman, "settling" can be unsettling.  
{As contradictory as that is.}
And that's OK. I don't have to be settled.
Much the antithesis of all my thoughts as I peruse Pinterest.
Oh, that site....


But things are going well. School is going, which is great!
I've started to figure out how to use the apps on the iPads for review and games.
I can do this.
The Lord is my joy.


And I've recently developed an obsession with 2 things: Gavin DeGraw and Adele's version of "I Can't Make You Love Me"