Submission.

I've been thinking about what the word "submit" means to me.
submit...
{as defined by lessons from my upbringing} to submit = "to be weak, needing help as opposed to wanting it. To possess inferior qualities therefore receiving negative consequences."

For a long, long time I lived with my mother and sister.  Everyday I learned what it looked like to be working to survive, doing what you could to provide (seemingly) without help from others, especially men.  When I was old enough to put it to words I understood what I had been learning was independence.  But a very specific type of independence; a debilitating, self-protecting fear form of independence.  And I had picked it up. So needless to say, I became a self-protecting fear type of independent woman.

I was proud.

I know she would have been proud had she seen it.

Men. Pshhhhh. I don't need no stinking men!

But then my heart began to be romanced by the Lord and my spirit lured by His Spirit.  For years even after I fell in love with Love, I still didn't realize what this jaded idea of independence was keeping me from: a submissive life.

Wait, what?

I want a submissive life?!?

The more I read and learned about what it meant to have a relationship with God, the more I heard the word "submit", in one form or another.  

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

Ephesians 5:22

"Submit to God and be at peace with him..."

Job 22:21

As disarming as peace with God sounds, I still cringed every time I encountered the word.  My thoughts were, 

"Submissive?! No sir, not me.  Maybe other women who are weak, but not me. I am strong and completely capable of doing things on my own.  Submissive women are fragile and that is most certainly not who I am."

But that's one of the great things about God and His love for me; no matter how much I kept resisting and looking down on the idea of submission, I would always find open arms waiting for me. He knew I would collapse under the weight of it all: under the weight of society, expectations both from myself and perceived ones from people in my life, and quite simply, the weight of fear driven independence.

That's exactly what it was. 

My mom had put her trust in a man to love her for the rest of her life. To provide for her, cherish her, care for her until death do them part. 

But death would have been much easier than divorce...  

Knowing that you've been left my choice has the potential, and often does turn a heart of flesh into a void. It takes Satan less than a second to lead thoughts into a dark dark place where light and escape are only a whisper of a rumor between the newly consumed victims, long abandoned by the blinded and forsaken.

Praise the Lord my spirit has a fighting chance.  I know I am not completely safe from the darkness, because I am still in the world, but I have Jesus.

More importantly, Jesus has me!!!!!! :)

Thank you thank you thank, Lord Jesus. Keep me in your hands. In your mighty, protective hands.

I'd be lying if I said my mentality was 180 degrees different now than what it was, but it's drastically different.  Submission is now a way to show love and reverence.  It does not imply that I am incapable, although I often am.  It does not mean I am any less of a strong woman, but everyone needs help.  I have learned, and continue to learn that part of being submissive is being loved in a way that allows me to be.  God's love is perfect. And because His love is perfect, it allows me to be freely submissive to His will and His way.

It's going to take some time before my habits reflect the change; it's still very much a natural instinct to do something by myself or to hastily push aside offers of help. But I know with confidence I am walking in a good way...

Lord, I pray the men and women in my life, current and future, would see through this.  That they would see through my self-protecting independence and help me anyway.  Give me the strength to not be so strong.  Bless me, Lord with opportunities to be a submissive woman in the most wonderful ways. I am free, because of Your love. I am free from the most constricting of Satan's lies.  Thank you for freeing me from this falsehood and from death.

"...giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God."

Ephesians 5:20

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

James 4:7