Submission.

I've been thinking about what the word "submit" means to me.
submit...
{as defined by lessons from my upbringing} to submit = "to be weak, needing help as opposed to wanting it. To possess inferior qualities therefore receiving negative consequences."

For a long, long time I lived with my mother and sister.  Everyday I learned what it looked like to be working to survive, doing what you could to provide (seemingly) without help from others, especially men.  When I was old enough to put it to words I understood what I had been learning was independence.  But a very specific type of independence; a debilitating, self-protecting fear form of independence.  And I had picked it up. So needless to say, I became a self-protecting fear type of independent woman.

I was proud.

I know she would have been proud had she seen it.

Men. Pshhhhh. I don't need no stinking men!

But then my heart began to be romanced by the Lord and my spirit lured by His Spirit.  For years even after I fell in love with Love, I still didn't realize what this jaded idea of independence was keeping me from: a submissive life.

Wait, what?

I want a submissive life?!?

The more I read and learned about what it meant to have a relationship with God, the more I heard the word "submit", in one form or another.  

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

Ephesians 5:22

"Submit to God and be at peace with him..."

Job 22:21

As disarming as peace with God sounds, I still cringed every time I encountered the word.  My thoughts were, 

"Submissive?! No sir, not me.  Maybe other women who are weak, but not me. I am strong and completely capable of doing things on my own.  Submissive women are fragile and that is most certainly not who I am."

But that's one of the great things about God and His love for me; no matter how much I kept resisting and looking down on the idea of submission, I would always find open arms waiting for me. He knew I would collapse under the weight of it all: under the weight of society, expectations both from myself and perceived ones from people in my life, and quite simply, the weight of fear driven independence.

That's exactly what it was. 

My mom had put her trust in a man to love her for the rest of her life. To provide for her, cherish her, care for her until death do them part. 

But death would have been much easier than divorce...  

Knowing that you've been left my choice has the potential, and often does turn a heart of flesh into a void. It takes Satan less than a second to lead thoughts into a dark dark place where light and escape are only a whisper of a rumor between the newly consumed victims, long abandoned by the blinded and forsaken.

Praise the Lord my spirit has a fighting chance.  I know I am not completely safe from the darkness, because I am still in the world, but I have Jesus.

More importantly, Jesus has me!!!!!! :)

Thank you thank you thank, Lord Jesus. Keep me in your hands. In your mighty, protective hands.

I'd be lying if I said my mentality was 180 degrees different now than what it was, but it's drastically different.  Submission is now a way to show love and reverence.  It does not imply that I am incapable, although I often am.  It does not mean I am any less of a strong woman, but everyone needs help.  I have learned, and continue to learn that part of being submissive is being loved in a way that allows me to be.  God's love is perfect. And because His love is perfect, it allows me to be freely submissive to His will and His way.

It's going to take some time before my habits reflect the change; it's still very much a natural instinct to do something by myself or to hastily push aside offers of help. But I know with confidence I am walking in a good way...

Lord, I pray the men and women in my life, current and future, would see through this.  That they would see through my self-protecting independence and help me anyway.  Give me the strength to not be so strong.  Bless me, Lord with opportunities to be a submissive woman in the most wonderful ways. I am free, because of Your love. I am free from the most constricting of Satan's lies.  Thank you for freeing me from this falsehood and from death.

"...giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God."

Ephesians 5:20

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

James 4:7

Passion 2013

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

Passion 2013 could not have been any better. The Holy Spirit was alive and at work in new and consuming ways; I feel so lifted!

There's been a lot of change in my life this new year already: new car, breaking up with old friends, eating meat again, etc. But I know with confidence that the Lord has so much more planned for the rest of 2013 and for the first time in a long long time, I have great expectations!

I'm excited for this year and all I know Jesus has waiting for me. There are major changes I am aware are going to happen, like moving to Australia and turning 25, but the changes I don't even know about also excite me.

If the Lord is doing it, I'm excited about it. 
Whatever that means. 
Whatever that means.

Today, I went through my notes from the conference and made a "recap" page: a page where I noted a takeaway from each speaker. It felt sooooooo good to relive each session and what I learned.  There's just too much goodness and I didn't want it to get lost in the huge overhead of what the Spirit did in me while in Atlanta.

Not only did I learn during the conference from the speakers and community groups, but I learned a lot from/about the people with whom I travelled and did life with for the week.  The group was as follows: Eric O, Melissa, Katie, Emily T, Crystal, Justin, Geoff Geoff, Dan, Sam-a-lama, Aaron W, Noel G, Ally, and Blake. 
Great group! Beyond great, actually! 
Spend that much time with that many people in one car and you learn a few things about yourself. I learned so much about them, too: their hearts, spirits, what makes them laugh, what makes us all cringe, etc.  What a gift! 
On the way home a few of us just simply talked about what we got out of the trip and what God was doing in our hearts/lives.  It was such a great time to openly discuss the Lord and His works. I am overcome with the beauty of my Lord and Savior.

Sweet Jesus,

my prayer is that you never leave me. Holy Spirit, keep this joy and spirit of gladness in my soul, let it not grow weary or weaken. praise you for being the one true Freedom Fighter. You are good, Lord. You are my Rescuer and the soother of my pain. I trust in You and your promises. remind me of this week when I feel overwhelmed or am giving in to Satan's imitations. keep the light bright in my eyes and my spirit. ooze onto others. do Your work in and through me.

praise you for all you've done and continue to do.

Your will be done, Lord, for only You know.

Amen.

Rockin' Around.

Tis the season for Christmas music (as if there isn't a time for that), frantic shopping, terrible gift wrapping, tacky sweaters, and a whole holiday heap of parties.

I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!

Completely unimportant (but fun) things:

• just reserved the hotel for the One Direction concert in June
• after 5 years, I will be eating my first meat product on January 3rd: a delicious Chik-fil-A sandwich
• Passion 2013 starts soon
• Australia...July 12. Still in "excited" mode.

I just can't get enough Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, *NSYNC, Frankie, Michael Buble, etc, etc.  The weather has been rather warm, but it seems the wind is about to shift.

Things have gotten better with Sissy; I think she wanted to feel heard.  

Through much discord in current life I'm discovering that I'm not actually who I want to be.

Heavy, right?

Not something I would have expected to come up, but here it is...

My high school girlfriends and I are currently wading through the very rough current of built-up frustration and dishonesty: ne'er a good combination.

Honestly, I just feel attacked and betrayed. It's not that people are saying negative and hurtful things about me. It's that friends are saying hurtful and negative things behind my back.  I suppose a little bit of it is that there are bad things to say about me when I try to be kind, honest, genuine, fair, and Christ-like.  There's just a little bit more of the world in me than I would have thought or care to have. And I don't want that.

What do I want?

I want people to look at me and see the fruit of the Spirit. 

To be Christ-like in every moment. 

Speak peace, spread joy, show kindness, live in love, and to be genuine.

I start meeting with a woman next year :) to work on some underlying issues. And my small group is starting a book called "The Cure" by John Lynch which I've heard great things about.

So here's hoping 2013 is a year of progress towards the woman God created me to be and the life he has me to life.

It is official.

I am moving to Australia in July.
sent in my deposit last week;
Hillsong Leadership College in Sydeny, here I come!

Decision 2012

Much more than just politics, we're talking about the future.

I voted! 

It felt very rewarding to exercise my American right to vote.
The women of the 1920s would feel justified in knowing their struggle has not been dismissed.
I was surprised by how many people simply decided to not vote. The most prominent argument was said person did not want to "waste" a vote due to his/her own lack of information.
ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?
Consider your vote wasted. And shame on you for resigning to ignorance on issues that will affect you, and in a big way!
But alas, Obama was re-elected and I am much more distraught about it this round than the last.  Jesus is King. Period.
Republican majority. Democratic majority. It doesn't matter.
Jesus is King. Now and forever.

Another decision of 2012: Hillsong.
I'm going to continue pursuing this path.
When I was talking with the girls last night about my lack luster pursuit, the Spirit opened my eyes to see that I was fearful of this being taken away.  Everything else I've pursued (nannying in Europe, teaching in Germany, YL abroad, etc) has been stopped short, wayyyyyyy short of completion.  I know that means it was God's will. And that's what I want in my life.
But I guess I just feel like this awesome opportunity is so awesome and I'm so excited about it that it will be taken away from me and I'll be stuck in Suffolk even longer.
Which is weird that I even think like that;
I know and trust in God's goodness.
I know He loves me and only wants the best for me.
I know He only has good for me.
And yet I think he'll take awesome things away from me?!
That doesn't line up at all.
So in faith that He will either keep Hillsong as a desire in my heart and take me to Australia, or change my desire and stop this.
Either way, I do not doubt His love for me.

Best subject line ever.

That would be the e-mail I received today.
HOW EXCITING!!!! and yet, I'm slightly anxious.
It's just surreal that I am one step closer to moving very, very far away.
Exciting and surreal.

So, now I just keep praying.


And saving money :)

Fraudulent Charges.

Yesterday, I officially applied to Hillsong Leadership College.
Officially.
And then about 2 hours later BB&T called me about "possible fraudulent charges".  
I appreciate your awareness, BB&T. Thanks.

So let the discouragement begin...at least that's what it feels like.  
I know it's going to be a financial burden. It's college; it's expensive. But praise the Lord that I have my half of tuition in savings.  Estimated living costs in Australia are about $350 (AUD) per week.
PER WEEK?!
Yup.
I don't even make that in 2 weeks at Starbucks!
But I trust that this is what the Lord has put on my heart, so I've just got to be better with my money. Which means no shopping for myself for a while, getting crafty for Christmas, trying to drive less, and pick up some extra jobs. And maybe I can find some scholarships or sponsorship...with boldness.
If this is where He wants me, He'll provide.
I know that.
I trust that with confidence.
So we'll wait and see what happens next.

Last night was The Unhappy Hour at the Edgar Allen Poe museum in Richmond.

Poe Museum

Crystal and I went together. I just love her!
She's so much fun and such a gift to me :)

The weather was perfect, the parking was crazy, and the band was terrible. 
But we still had a great time! 
Jamie read "The Masque of the Red Death" and honestly it was boring and poorly read.  So after complaining to a few of the museum workers, Jamie performed "The Tell Tale Heart", like he did last year which was the main lure for returning this year, and it was wonderful! He does such a good job at...being creepy. Which sounds awful, but that's what makes the performance so worth while!
It was just really great to get out of the area. I love the 757, but sometimes it can feel so small.
I'm too young to have that "settled" feeling; especially without being settled!

Jesus,
I know You're doing great things; that's what You're about. What a romantic characteristic :)  There's peace in my spirit knowing you're in control, but these worldly concerns are robbing me of joy. The thief is coming to destroy (John 10:10). I refuse to be a victim.
Continue to fuel this journey. Put your Spirit of peace in knowing whether or not to keep pursing Hillsong.
Provide financially from sources unexpected. And if I need boldness to ask for help, infuse me with that.
I trust You, Jesus.
I trust You.
I trust You.
Your will be done.