Expletive.

Not being able to fall asleep isn't always a problem. Sure, it's annoying, but not cause for any profanity.  But the perpetual state of awareness proves annoying when I have a certain time to wake up.
Why tonight?
I'm hanging out with Beckster, aka BFF, tomorrow and would prefer to be awake as possible.  He's growing so fast and naps are shorter; I just don't want to be drowsy for any time I with him.

The shining beacon through my slumber-less evening? I am overflowing with gratitude and praise to The King.  He, indeed as He promised, brought a new day and with it new mercies (Lam 3:22-23).

Heavenly Father,
You are good. So good.  You are The Only Good.  Praise be to You. Hallelujah! Your faithfulness is consistent and dependable. Your Word is a sturdy anchor in very rocky tides.  Blessed be Your name.
Thank you for how lavishly you bless me.  No matter the memories, forlorn or uplifting, that stream across my mind, I know You have been with me and will continue to do so.  I praise Your name for the gift of mercy and kindness You have shown me through my small group.  I am so blessed by the Spirit through them.  You have heard my cry of financial worries and have come to my rescue in the form of those wonderful women.  So God-style!  I ask Your blessings of all that is growing and all that is good upon each one of them.  They deserve the most vibrant of jewels in their crowns!!
Glory to You, God for the ability to breathe, physically function day-to-day on my own, for my car (Ned), the money I have for gas to get from the many friends You have given me.  Thank you for the freedom I have as a woman, and the hope I have as a Christ follower.  Thank you for every student with whom I've been able to "do life".  I pray for salvation and deliverance for those who do not claim You as LORD...yet.  And I rejoice in the victory of the Kingdom when that does happen.  
Lord Jesus, thank You that I am able to sleep soundly, or at the very least safely, in my own bed. That I need not fear for my family's safety at night, wondering if anyone I care for will be taken from their homes and forced to fight a war that isn't theirs.  Or anyone's.  
I know that many things will not be made clear until I get to Heaven and see Your face.  And I also know, because Your Word tells me, that many of these things will cease to matter on that day.  My prayer is that I never run out of time to be near You and to sit at Your feet.
You are my hope, joy, standard, Rescuer, Redeemer, Encourager, Lover, and Father.  
Thank You. 
Thank You. 
Thank You.

Amen.
Hallelujah.

#peoplegetready

"All of your flaws and all of my flaws, 

they may have been exude

We'll see that we need them to be who we are"

{I've been listening to Bastille a lot.  Their a cappella and acoustic versions are what keep me hitting replay.)

Since conception this blog had one intended purpose: a place to store the thoughts and experiences that I simply could not write down fast enough.  I made a conscious effort to not use full names and often not even real names, just in case I was "found out".  No one was notified and I certainly did not make mention of posts.  I'm not sure why, but the idea of my experiences being hidden in the world wide web was alluring and offered some sense security.  Of course, nothing on the internet is secure, but it was a delusion I allowed myself to entertain.

And now the delusion has disappeared and I don't mind so much.

Moving to the other side of the world is going to be quite the adventure and of course people are going to be interested to hear about it. Not to assume too much about myself, but I'm moving to Australia, not Alabama or somewhere so commonplace, and a lot of people seem to be excited about it.  More of a "living vicariously" excitement than anything else. So I'm going to open up the blog.

Let it spread its wings.

Allow it to be explored.

Be vulnerable.

Exposed.

Susceptible to criticism.

Harsh words have always been a fear of mine when writing.  I love words. 
I have a deep  gratitude to people who are able to manipulate them and evoke something in people that either resonates or offends.  
I am aware that I am neither gifted nor devoid, but let's just leave that there.
My good friend Tyler...oh, gosh. I admire his ability; his way with words is almost romantic, which feels odd to say, but true. Take a look for yourself: his original blog spot or his current spot.
True life confession: upon further review, Tyler and I have more in common than I had thought in the 6 years of knowing each other, which for reasons unbeknownst to me, makes me uncontrollably smirk. Not smile, but smirk. And I think I even chuckled once at the idea. Don't know where that came from...
Tyler, if you ever read this, thank you for your writing and I'm sorry for my slightly embarrassing revelation. 

So, telling people about my "secret place" is slightly unnerving, but I'm also delighted to invite family and close friends to join with me in my exploration of a new world. History leads me to believe there will be a medley of perils: streaming tears of homesickness, elated interactions with the Lord, and (hopefully rare or non-existent) run-ins with the local wildlife.
Tyler articulates this upcoming season better than I could hope to or attempt, "...go after the things you want with everything you have in you and a bit more, and, for all of our sakes, to write all the stories down so we can come along with you."

#peoplegetready

The First Sign of Flood.

Today was the first day I shed a "sad tear" when thinking about leaving for Australia.  It just came out of no where. I was a little taken aback and then when I realized what was happening, it was too late. I'm not necessarily upset or disheartened that it hit me, I suppose I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
I mean, if I'm pretending that time doesn't matter and I have more of it than I really do then I won't feel sad, right?!
Isn't that how things work? Can't I control it?
It's a weird feeling: being homesick while still being home.
Very weird, indeed. But yet familiar; I went through the same thing after coming home from Austria. 
I'll never forget it: I was sitting with my dear friend Lacy (whose blog you'd be lucky enough to discover) in B&N and I just remember looking at her thinking, "I miss her, but she's right here."
This is bigger.
I'm going further away, for longer, and I'm more mentally aware of the pending change than I was in 2008. I'm not sure if being more aware is a good or bad thing...

Loosely related, moving and leaving friends and family reminds me of Hannah (1 Samuel) and how she only saw Samuel once a year. How did she do that?! I just can't imagine seeing my son once a year, but she made a vow to God and she was faithful in that, no matter how difficult.  She knew God's will for Samuel was better for him than being with her everyday. At tough as that is to comprehend, she trusted God's kindness and goodness.  I trust His kindness and goodness, and everything else He is for that matter. If Australia is the Lord's will for me then it is best for me. As heart-wrenching as leaving will be (and apparently is) I would be more fearful to not be in the Lord's will.

On a completely unrelated and less emotional note, Amanda is getting married in less than a month and I need a date.
Any takers?

Roll. Don't Fold.

Research for my great escape has begun!  
I'm (excuse my liberal verbage) pinteresting, googleing, and all out scaling the internet for packing suggestions.  The greatest suggestion is to roll my clothes and not fold.  As told by numerous websites, I should be able to fit at least 7 days worth of clothing into my carry-on.  Only time will tell.
Speaking of time, it is vastly dissipating. 
Solely for use here, I have counted the remaining days:

79.

seventy-nine.

siebenundneunzig.

79.

Starting now, I won't keep count.  It'll drive me bonkers!

But still, that's unglaublich (unbelievable)!

Excitement is still prevalent, however so is the concern over financial provision.

Today I talked to my 11th graders about supplication and yielding: what it means to pray and ask with a humble heart.  Just like driving, when I have the "yield" sign, I have to wait for the car in the other lane to go ahead of me.  It's kind of the same with God; I have to slow down and look for Him in my life, and make sure He's before me. To not try and "beat" him at getting somewhere first.

The metaphor worked in class and is working better in my mind than in my diction.

This morning's message was such a reminder that God's will is EXACTLY what Satan doesn't want happening, so he'll try anything to sabotage it.  

He's a liar. Satan is a liar. And he is not my friend.

The Lord is going to provide. I can't remember having been so certain of something in my life.

In the midst of my mental contention, I have peace.

It's an oxymoron to be in contention and have peace, but again, it makes sense in my mind and more importantly in my spirit.

The Lord has me to be in Australia.

I'm grateful for that clarity.

The First Hit.

Things are moving right along. So much is happening.
Life is progressing as I believe the Lord has it: visa was approved in 4 days, work at Starbucks is hastily coming to an end and hanging out with Beckett on MWF is also commencing.  Much more upset about the latter.

This face...just too much, and yet, I can't get enough.

General Life Events

Things at work are going well, but I'm still excited to be done. Every time I have to take the trash out in the rain I remember, "this too shall pass." It's a comforting thought, but doesn't keep my socks from getting wet.

New a cappella music is keeping my ears occupied as of late.  The Hullabahoos had their 25th Big Spring Sing Thing this past weekend and boy was that tons of fun! Totally blew my expectations out of the water.  Having seen 2 Pentatonix shows in a row I had really high standards.  And honestly, the first Hullabahoos show I attended (BSST XXI) was...less than stellar. It was good, but nothing special.  But this one was great!! Definitely redeemed my idea of a Hullabahoo rendezvous (I like how that rhymes).  
I just can't get enough of their version of "We Don't Eat". So good!!
Go ahead, have a listen.

Sissy and I have really been connecting on a new level the past couple of months.  We've just been able to spend a good amount of time together and I can feel that it's brought us closer, which is something we both really needed.

Her funny faces crack me up.

Warning: things are about to get real.

Family can be tough and complicated. Step family can be even tougher and more complicated.  On one hand, you try to be a family, one cohesive unit.  You do things together, talk about life, share interests, argue over who used the last of the toilet paper, etc.  On the other hand, it can be painfully apparent that you expect and want entirely different things from one another.  

Tensions have been very real and strenuous.  Sometimes I think I'm the only one feeling it, but rarely...it would almost be easier that way.

It is a very awkward moment when you say good night to your dad and he says, "what about everyone else?" I know he wants us to be one happy family, but the truth is that we are two very different families. At least I feel very different from everyone: I don't like sitting at home, I like being active, I don't like ordering out close to every night, I don't like gossip or reality shows, and I think some of the best remedies for ilness are not medicinal.  
It's not a hard and fast mindset, but a definite preference.

I've been praying for the Lord to fill me with sympathy for those things I don't know, because I have not experienced.  I also pray He would keep me from that kind of illness.

My mother taught me more than I realized; by watching her live, and sometimes endure, the life of a single mother of two young daughters, I learned that one cannot afford to be lazy, sick, or without drive. 
**Let me be very clear: I am neither judging my step family, nor calling them "lazy, sick, or without drive."**

Lord Jesus, it is my prayer that you would continue to soften my heart towards the ill and those who have a different lifestyle than I.  Through Your Word, remind me that you did not turn away from weak and sick and expect them to help themselves before you would intervene.  I know You are good, and you so often make the first move.  You have the ability to heal with just a touch and I trust that as long as I see You and yearn for Your heart, you won't leave my outstretched arms empty. Heal my heart. Fasten it upon Your solid foundation.

Australia

With work coming to a close, I'm able to visit family and friends who I know I won't see in December for my brief trip home. My concern is that I need to keep "working" whilst I am here.  Financial worries are starting to get the best of me.  For the first time since the application process started, a pang of worry hit me. It brings with it fear of provision, or lack thereof.

I do NOT doubt my God.

I do not doubt Him or his plans for me.

These fears are from Satan with the intent of squashing my fervor and joy in this new forthcoming adventure.

And an adventure it will be!

I plan to make my blog public very soon so friends and family can participate in this journey with me :) I know some of it is going to be ugly and most likely emotional, but without a doubt, it's going to be a beautiful time with the Lord who loves, oh so much and oh, so well.

Father, You are good.  Your plans are good.

These next 90 days are going to be crazy with all that's going into them.  Give me Your peace; peace in knowing You will provide and that Sydney, Australia is exactly where you have me to be for however long.  Be preparing babysitting jobs and other things for me when I get over there.  Provide opportunities to make and save money.  I pray for many families at the church to take m under their wing and bless me with the many things I will be missing and needing in the way of family.

Lord Jesus, I pray for friendship.  For sisters and brother to be brought to me and vice versa.  God, I pray for lasting relationships to be built and nurtured.  And I pray for my future husband; keep leading him to me.  Turn our hearts first and most vehemently towards Your face and then towards each other.

I love you.

I trust you.

Your will be done.

Submission.

I've been thinking about what the word "submit" means to me.
submit...
{as defined by lessons from my upbringing} to submit = "to be weak, needing help as opposed to wanting it. To possess inferior qualities therefore receiving negative consequences."

For a long, long time I lived with my mother and sister.  Everyday I learned what it looked like to be working to survive, doing what you could to provide (seemingly) without help from others, especially men.  When I was old enough to put it to words I understood what I had been learning was independence.  But a very specific type of independence; a debilitating, self-protecting fear form of independence.  And I had picked it up. So needless to say, I became a self-protecting fear type of independent woman.

I was proud.

I know she would have been proud had she seen it.

Men. Pshhhhh. I don't need no stinking men!

But then my heart began to be romanced by the Lord and my spirit lured by His Spirit.  For years even after I fell in love with Love, I still didn't realize what this jaded idea of independence was keeping me from: a submissive life.

Wait, what?

I want a submissive life?!?

The more I read and learned about what it meant to have a relationship with God, the more I heard the word "submit", in one form or another.  

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

Ephesians 5:22

"Submit to God and be at peace with him..."

Job 22:21

As disarming as peace with God sounds, I still cringed every time I encountered the word.  My thoughts were, 

"Submissive?! No sir, not me.  Maybe other women who are weak, but not me. I am strong and completely capable of doing things on my own.  Submissive women are fragile and that is most certainly not who I am."

But that's one of the great things about God and His love for me; no matter how much I kept resisting and looking down on the idea of submission, I would always find open arms waiting for me. He knew I would collapse under the weight of it all: under the weight of society, expectations both from myself and perceived ones from people in my life, and quite simply, the weight of fear driven independence.

That's exactly what it was. 

My mom had put her trust in a man to love her for the rest of her life. To provide for her, cherish her, care for her until death do them part. 

But death would have been much easier than divorce...  

Knowing that you've been left my choice has the potential, and often does turn a heart of flesh into a void. It takes Satan less than a second to lead thoughts into a dark dark place where light and escape are only a whisper of a rumor between the newly consumed victims, long abandoned by the blinded and forsaken.

Praise the Lord my spirit has a fighting chance.  I know I am not completely safe from the darkness, because I am still in the world, but I have Jesus.

More importantly, Jesus has me!!!!!! :)

Thank you thank you thank, Lord Jesus. Keep me in your hands. In your mighty, protective hands.

I'd be lying if I said my mentality was 180 degrees different now than what it was, but it's drastically different.  Submission is now a way to show love and reverence.  It does not imply that I am incapable, although I often am.  It does not mean I am any less of a strong woman, but everyone needs help.  I have learned, and continue to learn that part of being submissive is being loved in a way that allows me to be.  God's love is perfect. And because His love is perfect, it allows me to be freely submissive to His will and His way.

It's going to take some time before my habits reflect the change; it's still very much a natural instinct to do something by myself or to hastily push aside offers of help. But I know with confidence I am walking in a good way...

Lord, I pray the men and women in my life, current and future, would see through this.  That they would see through my self-protecting independence and help me anyway.  Give me the strength to not be so strong.  Bless me, Lord with opportunities to be a submissive woman in the most wonderful ways. I am free, because of Your love. I am free from the most constricting of Satan's lies.  Thank you for freeing me from this falsehood and from death.

"...giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God."

Ephesians 5:20

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

James 4:7

Passion 2013

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

Passion 2013 could not have been any better. The Holy Spirit was alive and at work in new and consuming ways; I feel so lifted!

There's been a lot of change in my life this new year already: new car, breaking up with old friends, eating meat again, etc. But I know with confidence that the Lord has so much more planned for the rest of 2013 and for the first time in a long long time, I have great expectations!

I'm excited for this year and all I know Jesus has waiting for me. There are major changes I am aware are going to happen, like moving to Australia and turning 25, but the changes I don't even know about also excite me.

If the Lord is doing it, I'm excited about it. 
Whatever that means. 
Whatever that means.

Today, I went through my notes from the conference and made a "recap" page: a page where I noted a takeaway from each speaker. It felt sooooooo good to relive each session and what I learned.  There's just too much goodness and I didn't want it to get lost in the huge overhead of what the Spirit did in me while in Atlanta.

Not only did I learn during the conference from the speakers and community groups, but I learned a lot from/about the people with whom I travelled and did life with for the week.  The group was as follows: Eric O, Melissa, Katie, Emily T, Crystal, Justin, Geoff Geoff, Dan, Sam-a-lama, Aaron W, Noel G, Ally, and Blake. 
Great group! Beyond great, actually! 
Spend that much time with that many people in one car and you learn a few things about yourself. I learned so much about them, too: their hearts, spirits, what makes them laugh, what makes us all cringe, etc.  What a gift! 
On the way home a few of us just simply talked about what we got out of the trip and what God was doing in our hearts/lives.  It was such a great time to openly discuss the Lord and His works. I am overcome with the beauty of my Lord and Savior.

Sweet Jesus,

my prayer is that you never leave me. Holy Spirit, keep this joy and spirit of gladness in my soul, let it not grow weary or weaken. praise you for being the one true Freedom Fighter. You are good, Lord. You are my Rescuer and the soother of my pain. I trust in You and your promises. remind me of this week when I feel overwhelmed or am giving in to Satan's imitations. keep the light bright in my eyes and my spirit. ooze onto others. do Your work in and through me.

praise you for all you've done and continue to do.

Your will be done, Lord, for only You know.

Amen.